Many people wonder why I am this type of benevolent person. In other words, generous, kind, or even too good to be true. There was a time where I contradict those characteristics. Yeah, that's right. The person I am now wasn't the same a few years ago. It kind of makes it hard to believe. How is it that I managed to change in a small amount of time? Well, I hope this story shines some clarity on that. This post is more personal than any I have written so far. This might even be longer than the four-minute-read I usually aim for. If you made it this far to the blog posts, thank you! You made it to the part where things get really dark but exciting. I'm listening to some music to help me set the mood. Well, here goes nothing.
My conclusion of summer 2015 was a real calamity that was hard to accept at the time. My high school sweetheart and I ended our relationship. That was the day where I saw her for the last time in a long time, driving off from my street on that dark, drizzling night of August. I was angry. Heartbroken, lost, confused. I didn't know what to do with myself. It was the longest night of my life. And for about 7 seconds, time froze. The raindrops paused in mid-air. The buzzing sounds from the street lights went silent. Cats chasing each other under the vehicles remained stagnant. The wind was no longer hitting my face. I was stuck in time. And at that particular juncture, that's when it happened. My conscience kicked in. It slapped me in the head. "Wake up. This is what happens when you let someone in. You're left in the corner with your chest exposed. Like an overused rag doll with its stuffings out, thrown in the dumpster. Everyone is looking at you like some weak fuck who can't pick himself up. Just watching you now makes me want to punch you in the face. You're not a man; you're a soft bitch. But hey, cheer up, buddy. I got you. You just needed this little experience to help you realize love ain't shit. The world doesn't have that, so you either play the game or get played. I'll guide you. But first, heal up. Then come looking for me. I won't be far."
The first few days of college are dim to remember. I was physically there. Though, the gears in my head were still turning slow, processing what transpired that night. I felt like I was a robot. I went to campus, did what I had to do, went home, and repeat. The pain within remained the same for a while. Looking back, I couldn't believe how I managed to go to class for months with a clutch in my chest. I took six classes that semester. Scheduling from morning to late night time weekdays. Including Saturday mornings. My effort here was to distract myself as much as possible. It backfired a few times. Those late-night train rides were cruel. As the days got darker every day, the weather got colder. I was all alone. And whenever I was on the verge of hitting my breaking point, my conscience would kick in. It was making sure I wasn't letting the pain push me off the edge. It wanted me to speed up the healing process. Suggestions came up like going out on weekends, drinking up, or taking a trip into paradise whenever there was a chance. All impulsive decisions on deck, just as long as I wasn't cornering myself again. It kept me out of the house.
At last, the semester came to an end. It was a milestone moment for me. I learned that I have earned Dean's List for my outstanding academic performance in all of my six classes. It was just the boost I needed for my ego. To remind me that I could do this alone, that I didn't need anyone to succeed in life. I was back for a brief moment. Then it came about. "Looks like you're back on your feet. Good. Now that you're over that gooey crap and your books are in order, now we can officially have fun. First things first, let's forget all that fundamental moral crap you have. You don't need that shit. In life, it's all about one thing and one thing only. Come on, let's get this party started." And that's where it began.
The impulsiveness took over my thoughts, manipulating my every move. This type of impulsive behavior was dangerous. It turned me into a self-loathing, cynical, self-destructive person where I disregarded my consequences and labeled people as untrustworthy. Driven by lust, I sought the clubs every weekend, looking to get lucky. This agenda correlated very well with my dark consciousness. There were bottles to drink, pipes to puff. Women on the dance floor to meet and screw. With the best right-hand man, anything was possible. I met him through Xbox. He and I would always hit a bar, sometimes twice a weekday or consecutively Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. The party never stopped. And for a while, it was pretty fun. There was no stressing here. Women came and went. The bottles piled up. I didn't have a care in the world about anything. I became into the one thing I never perceived myself to be. For two years, this was my lifestyle. This was all I only wanted until that summer of 2018. That's when I met you.
Meeting you was vital for this chapter of my life. You were spontaneous. Engaging with you created a chain reaction of events that were out of my control. For instance, that best right-hand man? As I got closer to you and farther from him, it was most visually apparent. He became too corrupted with the lifestyle to the point where only hypocrisy came out of his mouth. He could no longer be trusted. The most memorable one, though, was my trip to Ecuador. My vacation took a different turnover. I no longer had such an agenda to search for mischief nights; countless drinking, whoring around, etc. The bottles were left in the freezer cold. The money for gambling was left untouched. All these activities were only ever enjoyed if it was with family. You woke up a part of me that hasn't been up for a long time. I'll admit it, it felt pretty good. My dark conscience, however, didn't like that at all.
One day, I was dealing with the hangover from the previous night. I remained to lie down on the couch of my aunt's living room. From the outside, all was quiet. It was peaceful. You could hear the birds chirp on the trees, even with the door closed. I was asleep. However, inside my head, there was havoc—the confrontation between me and my dark conscience. We wrestled across this 4-wall room, no furniture, no exit point. The dark conscious swings its fists. I duck and follow with a charge, pushing it to the ground. Pinning it down, I manage to connect a few shots on its face. Then, it overpowered me, pushing me off, and boom! Its fist slammed into my jaw, and I tasted a surge of coppery blood. That battle felt endless. It seemed pointless to combat my dark conscience, considering that we were of equal power. Except, it lacked one thing that I had, the will. My mind wanted to become compos mentis, aware, and sane for all my decisions. A quality my dark conscious didn't aspire to be. It had to be killed off. The dark conscious was in a fighting stance. Behind it was this one window on the wall. Suddenly I had an idea. I took one last charge towards it. With all my might, I push it and myself through the window. CRASH! I felt like I was flying. The shattered glass trailed behind me while a few chunks latched onto my body. I was waiting for ground impact. However, as I was opening my eyes, I realized that we were falling thirty stories down. The 4-wall room was actually on top of an isolated cliff. As desperate I wanted to detach myself from the dark conscious, using its body to absorb the impact was my only chance for survival. As we neared the ground, its last words to me haunted me. Not that it scared me, but I didn't know what it meant at the time. "YOU THINK YOU WON? THINK AGAI—" That's when I woke up.
I felt like a brand new person. My head was cleared from all the nonsense the dark conscious had intended for me. It was over, for now. Returning home from the motherland was a relief. I wanted to introduce you to the new version of me. Give you all the love I thought I had in me. Upon returning to campus for the new semester, things were going to take a slight turn for the better, even if I didn't know I was living with the repercussions of my dark conscience yet. 'Cause, that's where I met the angel.
I remember that day as any ordinary day. We met up in the part of the campus grounds full of life, taking pictures with the trees, flowers, flaunting our pretty faces. You were initially a pawn in a chess game of my relationship with your friend—a pawn with wings. Of course, I didn't know that yet. Fast-forwarding in the timeline of my relationship. In between, there were rare occasions you'd show up. Either it was to catch up or join us on any last-minute gatherings we had. You can understand why, at the time, you seemed highly insignificant to me. You remained a wallflower, yet you were possibly aware of what was transpiring between your friend and me. I was too arrogant and naive to see what was wrong with our relationship. Which is why on that January night, when I went to pick you and your friend up, your words illuminated the truth in me. I remember those exact words. Even if you were under the influence, you know what you said. The reality check you put upon me is what changed everything. "You have something inside of you that makes you incapable of love."
The angel stunned me. An electrical shock rushed across my body, waking up every nerve. Shined its light and exposed the problem coexisting in me. As if it's been observing me, therapeutically reading my every move the entire time. I hurried home that night. Laid down in bed, staring at the ceiling. I proceeded to meditate, isolating myself from the physical world. Searching deep into my thoughts, from the last interconnected structures of my mind to the ventricles of my heart, I sought to discover what my dark conscious foreshadow months ago—a tall brick wall within me and trapped on the other side, my soul.
I approached the tall barrier, reaching with my right hand, I felt its cold surface. Analyzing how high the bricks were stacked up and wiping the accumulated dust with a finger, this wall has been up for years. This was it. This is what my dark conscience conspired all along before its demise. Whatever its purpose seemed to be, it appeared to be working on me. I couldn't let it win. There was only one thing I had to do. I climbed to the top and began taking down the wall, pulling brick by brick. In the process, each memory of all my mishaps, arrogant, and ignorant occurrences flashback straight into my head. Brick by brick, recollection by recollection, it all came down on me. I was feeling all of it at once. Overwhelmed. It got more challenging with every stone I pulled out. Tiredness. Sorrows. I began to lose my balance. With every memory, I repent any burden I impose upon in my greedy run. Slowly, my body began to shut down. That's when suddenly, I fell.
Yet, a funny thing happened. I didn't hit the ground as something caught me. It was my soul. The figment broke out of the brick wall. It seems the confrontation of each painful memory must have fueled it. Enriched with power and strength. It was finally free after all this time. "I d.. did it..." And with no hesitation, it snapped its fingers, and all went bright. I opened my eyes, and I was back in bed.
I was back. Back to who I was before the madness. An accomplishment, all men rarely achieve internally. However, I must give credit where it's due. Regardless that it was all me that did all the work, it was the angel that set me on the righteous path to self-heal. That mystical creature gave me the tools that no one knew I needed. All along, it wasn't a pawn. It wasn't even a part of the chessboard...a game ultimately I was playing against myself the entire time. It was then and there, the angel became noteworthy. Someone worth keeping close. But without a doubt, angels don't belong on Earth forever. Even though she stuck around for a while, that time will be perpetually cherished. It served its purpose and flew off to whence it came. Now, I needed to resume this new journey I had ahead of me.
I won't lie; it was hard at first. It felt like I time traveled. And without warning, I had to absorb all the consequences my soulless body's actions created. So much to adjust. I recollected my thoughts to see what I'd do next. Where would I begin this new journey? And on this new journey, I sought out this hiking trail. Far from home. A 45-minute climb. Once I reached the top, I could see nature's beauty across the horizon. Near the cliff, I sat down. Upon closing my eyes, I could feel the trees, the birds, the air, the sunlight hitting me all at once. It was beautiful. It was there when I no longer feared what was yet to come. I knew I was back to my old self. I was confident because I see this time, I'm not going to let anything corrupt me like that again.
Written By: George M.