SS: The Test



It was a very tough winter for me. I began my first semester in college. I was lodging at the campus and was sorta in a long-distance relationship. We fell in love right before I graduated high school, and we agreed to make it work no matter what. He stood back in my hometown as I went away to start my new journey as a college freshman. To be honest, he wasn't as far as you think. My hometown was about thirty minutes from my school, but it appeared like we were hours away from one another. Our relationship wasn't ever stable, but it got worse when I started college. I struggled to balance my classes, my relationship, and my social life. What made it most difficult was him obligating me not to have a social life. He didn't want me to be happy without him. I felt as if he didn't want me to meet anyone new that could have interfered with what we had at the time. He wanted me to be miserable. I was depressed. But I was blinded by my love for him.


Before the semester was over, I decided that I wouldn't want to dorm anymore and simply commute to school every day. He and other reasons were the architect for my decision to travel back and forth between home and campus. As I was studying for a final for a class I was miserably failing that needed my full attention, I received a message that read, "I am so done with you, don't you contact me ever again." I left my dorm, uncontrollably crying. I sat outside on a bench on a cold winter night. It was freezing to the point that it could numb anyone's skin within seconds. But not even that could compare to the coldness I felt in my heart. I tried to call him, attempting to make him change his mind. But he refused to answer any of my calls ever again. He vanished. And just like that, he was gone. It was like he never existed. I felt like a hole was punched into my chest.


Time elapsed. I was still commuting to school. The slight difference was that I started hanging out more with friends and acquaintances. I was being kinder to myself despite still sorrowing because of his absence. As 7 months went by, he slowly initiated to creep back into my life again. He explicitly would tell my friends that he wanted to see me. And me being the dumbass at the time. I rushed back into his arms. Even after that passive time, I was still unconditionally in love with him. This time, his intention was a bit more precise; he told me that he did not want anything serious with me; it would only be casual. I accepted, of course. Anything to feel him next to me again was all I asked for. Anything to see his eyes and fill in that void I felt since he left me.


I would sleepover, watch videos, laugh, and eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with him. This presumption came to my mind that he might be falling in love with me again. All could be perfect once more. Then, suddenly, he announced his departure to the army was at the end of the summer. So I made it my mission to get him to fall in love with me again. Perhaps with this accomplished, we would continue this journey together even if he was miles away.


Days before the flight that would take him across the country, he started acting stern again. He turned back into that same cold soul that left me back in December. I darted for any excuse to see him, and he would brush me off. His justification would be telling me that he had important things to do before leaving for the army. I don't know what was significant, but I knew I didn't fall under that category. I waited for him to tell me that we could make things work again. That he wanted me again and that he loved me. Days past. I didn't hear anything from him, though I had high hopes that our time did mean something. Then the day finally came, the day of his departure.


It was a bittersweet day for me. I was pondering what to say to him all day. Butterflies soared in my stomach; the feeling of just wanting to give him the world was everywhere in my body. The day was going so well. That's when I received a long detailed message from him all of a sudden. I don't remember word for word but what I do remember is him saying that what went on between us meant nothing to him and that he was in love with someone else. He couldn't ever be with me again. His flight was about to depart and that I should forget about him. My stomach turned weak. My world, all of a sudden, was crumbling right in front of me. My first thought was, how could I let him do this to me again? It was tough, not more challenging than the first time, but this one definitely took a toll on me.


Not long after, I noticed something very frightening…. my period was late. Very late. 2 weeks into this nightmare realization, I had to take a pregnancy test. There was no more time to wait and wonder. I had to know! I was on campus with my closest friends and explained my situation. I notified them I was late for a couple of days now, and I was fearful for what could possibly be, being pregnant with a man that didn't love me. They reassured me everything would be okay, and they walked me to the campus convenience store. One friend made it seem it was for him since I was so ashamed to purchase it. My friends then walked me to the bathroom and waited outside. Inside the bathroom stall, I kept hearing his last words replaying over and over again. I felt like a panic attack was approaching. Finally, the test was completed, and I waited for the result to appear. The moment of truth was here within my sweaty hands. I was so scared that I could even hear my own heartbeat echoing the entire bathroom. I slowly tilted my head down and looked down at the pregnancy test….


 

It read negative. I was never so relieved in my life. Tears of joy emerged from this unforgettable moment. This was my sign to finally move on and let go of him; someone who was unappreciative and unsupportive of me and very selfish to the point where he made me choose him instead of me first. Thus came the closure of this one-sided love and heartbreak chapter. I left the bathroom victorious and began to celebrate with my new group of friends, where I would eventually call in the future, my brothers.


Written By: S.C.

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