S2 #9: Realizing Who I Really Am...

No one gives a fuck about me. So let's set the cards on the table with this one.

I was born in a city where the cold doesn't just start in the weather. So regardless of getting raised on the "safest" side of town, shit still gets down around here. My family innocently migrated here, thinking it would be different from their hometown's dangers due to poverty and gang affiliation. They raised me well, kept me away from the evil this city harvested. They didn't know much about this place, and I don't blame them. This city still offered more than what their native land ever could. And through hard work, dedication, and sacrifices, they kept me straight.

I tried my best to fit in here by being what my parents taught me to be best; being good with a pure heart. The kind where you look gullible to those that take advantage of your kindness, but you look over it because you know you want to be the difference in the world. Their early teachings taught me to be that kind of person. Following this attitude, I gained a few friendships. Some of them lasted a few years, others a few months. Confusion enveloped me as I tried to grasp why these friendships didn't prevail. I was convinced it was something about my perseverance about how one should live their life. Or maybe it's because I was surrounding myself with the wrong people.

During my adolescence, I still wasn't aware of and understood the importance of my future. There are many paths to choose from when you're in your teens. Unfortunately, I happen to pick a poor one, having a relationship with someone for a long duration of high school. It's an inferior one because this was the only factor that kept me stagnant for years. I was zipped away from expanding my potential. I obtained experience in how one must be in a relationship. Yet, this goes far from what I could have done to enhance my destiny. Either way, that trip didn't last forever. Its aftermath diverted me from my successful path even more, but that's another post for another day.

Surpassing my depression meant there was work to be done. Catch up on everything I had to figure out for myself. The only problem now was my comfortability of where I was in my life at that point. College became my priority to enhance my fate. I let that idea convince me I was doing enough. But nope, in reality, I had enough time for more. So much time that I attempted another relationship again. That was another big whoops. The lack of devotion came from the source of fear within. I was scared of change. So I eluded myself from making severe modifications in my life. It made sense why my cousins always tried to belittle me at every family function. I would stay locked in my room, focusing on video games and watching television nonstop. Criticism like that didn't even phase me. That's how fucked I was. So for years, I didn't take good care of myself.

So what was the revelation I encountered that pushed me through this blockage?

As corny as it may sound, it happened on a random thought!

Most of us, when we hear the phrase, "TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN LIFE," truthfully, no one knows what that means. The basic thoughts that come to mind are:

  1. Get a job.

  2. Earn enough income to support yourself.

  3. Not depend on anyone else for survival.

These three common thoughts are part of taking responsibility, but it does not tackle the main issue. PH.D. SUSAN JEFFERS stated, "THE TRUTH IS THAT YOU REALLY ARE IN CONTROL—IN TOTAL CONTROL." We can be blinded for so long by sticking to the same pattern, the same routine, same bad habits. But only because we choose so. The glasses are in front of you, what are you waiting for? See, once I acknowledged that I had to change, this guilt swamped me. To accept and take accountability for your life up to that point is difficult to take in. The realization is the worst.

Nonetheless, there's a funny thing about realization too. This kind of actualization is a blessing. You now know that if you can create your misery, it stands to reason you can create your joy, your blessing, your reality. And that's when it hit me. I now know what I am and what I want.

It may not make sense to you now, but it is the icing of the cake to me. God, I hope that makes sense. There's reason to all of this. Why I'm not capable of fitting in certain crowds, or how I had to jump from every table in the school's cafeteria instead of just having my own table seat. Like the reason Harry Potter could speak to snakes, the truth always laid within. I should have foreseen.

I'm a nomad. A leader. A lone wolf, looking to build his pack— while simultaneously trying to climb up to the higher bracket and never look back. I was made to do this on my own, as cynical as that sounds. It's the truth.

Those in my life before and now gone were all distractions. Irrelevant bystanders that are better off away from me because my life without them has progressed faster than ever. And with that disclosure, I want to keep them in that void forever.

I no longer want to waste my time with people I won't find myself sitting across my table. Anyone I ever gifted my valuable time with a single conversation or bought them a souvenir that I got for them from Chicago and got crap in return for it knows that I would take it all back if I could. My compassion isn't some luxury for these people to piss on whenever they feel like it. With one's potential arise, you tend to develop new attitudes towards current/unique situations.

This writing does seem raw, I'll admit. Everyone may hate me for having this new philosophy. But be patient because there's more to be said. In the end, you either will come out understanding or naive because you will lack that one ingredient that will set you on the right path. More to come on the next blog...

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