S2 #9.4 EXES & Its Friends Pt. 2

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. Well, fuck.

My life has been nothing but a carousel wheel these last few years, watching, feeling, and experiencing the same thing over and over again as it makes one complete 360 and another. The outcome of my second relationship was no different. The pain was the same as the last, maybe a little more. Could it be because I really loved her, or was it because I put myself in the same predicament as the last?

Karma had creeped out of the shadows once more to discipline me and, of course, my ex. But Karma's plan was a ticking bomb kind of maneuver for her. All we had to do was wait. Then, just when the right amount of time passed, BOOM! The explosion of Karma's wrath was so intense and slow that its nuclear radius took a good two months to reach me. It was almost a year since I heard about her. Then, suddenly, I got a following request from her on social media.

I didn't think I would see this day come (or at least any sooner). Knowing what she did a year ago after the week of Valentine's Day, this was a strange move from her. It took me two days to decide if I should follow her back and open that door again. Pressing that following button also activated a time bomb. We didn't know who was in the range of the explosion at the time. This is where things got a bit interesting.

A few months have passed. I have gotten into my second car accident. I posted a story of it on Instagram to warn anyone to stay safe as things can happen even in unexpected times. Then, while enduring a mental breakdown, I get a message from her. She had finally opened the door she locked a year ago when I was knocking to get closure of my own. Now, she was looking for hers. The conversation began with the addressing of my accident. From there, the exchange transitioned to what she had in mind to say.

It wasn't the same day when she reached out to me, but we did manage to talk on the phone for a few hours. Like Exs and its friends, it was a bitter-sweet moment for me. I wouldn't know how she truly felt, but we were on the phone because she had a few things to say to me. Like in the other post, she was seeking redemption. Karma's bomb had finally blown in her face. She couldn't bear the pain, and like I said before, and once again, she was seeking her key to freedom from this purgatory inferno. She apologized for her wrongings. She believed the pain she put me through was now in her, devouring her. She had wanted to get in touch with me but didn't know how to approach me without making it obvious. And of course, being the good person I am, obliged.

This conversation lasted longer than usual because of our recent past. Part of me wanted to catch up where we left off. And so did she. Some truths were told, very logical ones, and then there were ones that came out very dark. In the aftermath, it seemed that everything between us was patched. Or so I thought.

You see, I forgot at the moment that she was only seeking redemption. She was not looking for a friendship, which I didn't try to pursue until much later on. (More on that later.)

I began reading this book called "Feel the Fear, And Do It Anyway," where its words on every page have impacted me in remarkable ways. I always had this belief that EXs could never be friends. This book challenged my way of thinking. A part mentioned channeling your "Higher Self," a capable high degree of sensitivity and attunement to a harmonious flow within the universe, to fulfill the void within your spirit. In other words, this is where it contains many subline virtues; creativity, intuition, trust, love, joy, inspiration, aspiration, caring, giving, and everything else that we, as humans, would like to experience. One way to access this "Higher Self" was to create a good deed out of the ordinary in your life. For me, it was to question my perspective of things, and this was one of them.

I won't lie. It wasn't easy for me to approach her with this. All of this was new to me, which is why my first attempt came out horrible. We met up, and, after a long night's conversation in the car, I couldn't ask her about trying to be friends. I pu**ied out. The failure had created a hostile environment between her and me. I thought that it was my attempt that foiled everything. But then, I remembered she was only looking for redemption when she approached me the first time.

I didn't think about this at the time, but it all made sense once I got a taste of her pettiness. You see, she was still hurting over what Karma put her through. As if she thought she needed my apology as some validation that it all would be a turning point for her. And there I was, trying to be her friend. Karma doesn't take shortcuts. One good deed won't make all the misery go away. And trying to establish a friendship wouldn't make it any better either. I may have picked the wrong time. But still, as they say, God's time is always perfect. Because in the aftermath of that encounter, I learned a lesson.

That lesson was that this "test" the book put me on gave me some strength in making drastic choices. I was someone who would play it safe to avoid any uncomfortable affairs. Never would I try to reach out to someone from my past to try and work things out in a platonic matter. This was a sign (at least for me) that I was evolving into a newer version of myself, a person that would begin to act less fearful and more confident and direct. It may not have gone the way I intended, but the experience did bring wisdom.

As her for her, well. She should have been careful about what she said. Some apologies can get rotten and turn into crap.

She may believe that our day's encounter seemed like I was trying to rekindle some leftover love I had for her or even flirt with her. But really, I never intended to find what we lost a long time ago. But unfortunately, her cynical mind got her to see it all wrong. And with a sense like that began the argument of text messages. And every response I put out that overlapped hers made it seem I was backing her into a corner. So I don't know what she said next was true or displayed out of spite, but she still said it. "I reached out to you because I wanted to give you the closure you asked for last year."

And that's how you turn an apology into crap.

We can call it a mistake or the heat of the moment. Though, she never took those words back. Clearly, that was the finish line to this so-called reconnection of ours. It was such a shame that it had to end this way because part of me still wanted her to be a part of my life. There was no void in my life that she could ever fill anymore. The abundance of happiness I have is now more than she could ever offer. I was simply trying to establish a friendship and nothing more or less. I was wrong to do so.

We should have left it how it was. I never needed your closure. If that apology was for your selfless need to feel better and not be genuine about it, then it shouldn't have been put out there. I don't need to be acquaintances, especially with someone who has substantial negligence in these things. So I'm stepping out of this rotating carousel. I'll come out dizzy and unconscious at first, but that feeling will surpass. I'll be out of the cycle.

Exes and its friends, you won't ever know what kind of friends each one would bring.

Written by: George M.

Anonymous 2: We are close; keep up. When the moment is right, I'll let you know.

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